Sleepless, ill, depressed

[seawasp]

With a new baby, some sleeplessness is to be expected. Vicky was very uncomfortable last night, clingy to mommy, whiny, restless; upshot being, neither of us slept much. If my sleep is interrupted too much, I tend to feel WORSE than if I got no sleep at all. We have reached this point (in fact, reached it around 3:30 - 4:00 this morning). This is undoubtedly one of the reasons I feel like utter crap this morning -- stomach, nose, etc., etc. I will be useless at work, so I'm going to stay home today, even though this just means I'm going to have to work longer or harder or something to make up for it; I can't spare the time. Gah.

And finally this all ties into being depressed -- whether the depression is helping cause it all or just making it worse, I don't know. But I do know the main cause of the depression. It's something that will seem trivial to many, especially compared to things other people -- even on my own friends list -- are and have been going through. But it's something intensely personal to me that it's loomed far larger over my life than most people would ever recognize.

When I was a kid, there was only one insult that REALLY hurt. It wasn't the nastiest, viewed objectively, but it was to me the most hateful because it was directed at a characteristic of mine that wasn't my choice, wasn't my fault, and wasn't under my control. (I suspect this may have some bearing on why I could never understand prejudice in otherwise apparently intelligent people). The insult? "Four-eyes".

I got glasses when I was 7. I hated them from the moment I put them on. Aside from their occasional convenience as protective shields, I've hated them with a passion ever since, and the insults just made it worse. I always harbored the conviction that one day science would find a way to fix someone's eyes. RK was invented, but it wasn't for me; my eyes were already too flat and the slight change RK might offer wouldn't be a significant improvement.

But new procedures were invented... I just couldn't afford them. Finally, with a contract for a book co-authored with Eric Flint (Boundary), I talked with Kathleen, and I earmarked the check from my half of the advance to be my new eyeballs.

Yesterday I went to the Lasik-Plus center near me for the preliminary examination.

"You are not recommended for this procedure." the evaluator said, with genuine regret.

My left eye would be fine, but my right eye apparently would, if operated on, end up with too little corneal thickness to be safe.

I guess I get new glasses. I cannot describe the depressing anger and frustration this leaves.

I sure hope I can get some good news from somewhere to counteract it.

Comments

[cygny.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry :( I only have been wearing glasses for about 15 years now, and only to watch tv, or drive my car (or when watching the blackboard in uni when I was younger), but I only wear them when really necessary. I don't really hate them, but they're sort of in the way. I can understand though that at the age of 7 and with such insults, things must be quite different for you. I'm sorry I can't give you good news or tell you there will be a new procedure for you in the future. But for what it's worth *big hugs*

[hawkida.livejournal.com]

It's something that will seem trivial to many, especially compared to things other people -- even on my own friends list -- are and have been going through.

The raising of hopes followed by the dashing of dreams should never be considered trivial by anyone who cares about the person experiencing it. You know how tat expands to fill the space available? So do emotions. If you compare it to other reasons for concern it might *seem* less important, but when you're experiencing emotion it doesn't scale. I can fully understand your frustration and upset. Here's hoping for that good news.

[brownkitty.livejournal.com]

I will try to offer hope if you can tell me honestly that raising your hopes again will not make you feel worse.

In the meantime, you are someone I respect, someone who write stories I enjoy, and someone that your wife considers to be such a great person that you have multiple children.

::puts a hand on your shoulder, squeezes gently in an attempt to offer support and encouragement and commiseration::

[j-v-lynch.livejournal.com]

A few years ago, I heard about a vision correction procedure called Corneoplasty (i think). Apparently there is a medication that has a side effect of softening the cornea (I think it was a blood pressure medicine). So some bright fellow decided that this could be used for vision correction. The patient would take the medication and then, while the cornea's were soft, they woul be fitted with special contact lenses that would hold the cornea to a new shape. The patient would stop taking the medicin and the cornea's would reharden into the new shape.

I never heard any more about the procedure though.

[filkerdave.livejournal.com]

While this is not a dashed dream that I share, I undertstand it fully. You have no idea how much it bothers me that I can't afford to learn to fly right now, and that large bils seem to show up just when it looks like I've gotten the unplanned for expenses under control.

For what it's worth, I think the glasses make you look distinguished.

[eacole72.livejournal.com]

I sympathize on the glasses, as I started wearing them at 10; by 12 I couldn't tell the difference between "6" & "0," on the blackboard without them. Only one person ever called me "four-eyes" (my older brother). He got a good sock in the gut followed by a knee to the groin for it.

I'm considered a good candidate for a couple of the surgeries if one just looks at my prescription without considering my medical history or the actual state of my eyes. I've splashed bleach, sprayed oven cleaner & dropped 10% H202 solution into my eyes over the years, so there are definite issues with my corneas, as well. Add in 15 years of contact lenses wearing at them.

I know that corneal surgery is improving every year. The opthamologists here at work tell me that they are able to do things now that even 5 years ago wouldn't have been possible. So, wait a couple more years and try again!

[cateagle.livejournal.com]

Wearing glasses, or the lack of them, on your part is most certainly not going to change my appreciation and purchasing of your writing. I can empathize, though, as I've had glasses, bifocals even, since age 9 and that was over four decades ago. I've been told that I could only use rigid contacts with my prescription, so I've not bothered with them and I don't think I yet trust surgery (over and beyond that insurance won't cover it). About the only useful suggestion I can offer is to go for the thinest frames and lightest lenses you can; going for the thinest possible frames definitely made a difference in my appearance.

[sub-musashi.livejournal.com]

Sorry to hear about the rug getting yanked out from you. I totally empathize with your sleeplessness and attendant crappy feelings - the first 6 weeks of the babies just totally crushed me. If I don't get a good chunk of sleep, I simply can't function (which is not a physiological trait recommended for parents of twins). Fortunately we're just coming out of that period and I am so excited to be getting 6.5 hours every now and then. I also get the "no sleep better than little" phenomena - in fact that happened last night, and I'm surprisingly alert. I'll crash around lunchtime.

But this is your third (right?) so I'm sure you know about how soon it will pass. Hang in there. How are the other kids dealing with the new arrival?

[julesjones]

[hug]

I'm wary of the surgery because I've had great success with contact lenses, and the risks outweigh the benefits for me personally (my prescription's not stable enough to make me a good candidate for surgery). But if I couldn't wear contacts, I'd want the surgery. It must have been one hell of a disappointment. I hope the surgery improves enough over the next few years to make it possible for you to have it safely.

[ninjarat.livejournal.com]

I bought a copy of "Mountain Magic" last week.

I'm in about the same situation as you: my astigmatism and myopia are minor enough that surgery is not worth the risk of permanently losing vision in either eye. Worse for me, "adult" frames don't fit me properly because my eyes are very closely set. I have to look in the childrens frames section for frames that fit. Last time I needed new frames it took me 3 months to find frames that fit and didn't look stupid (I neither need nor want Harry Potter or Disney characters on my glasses).

Cool!

[seawasp]

Buying my book is good!

Having to buy in the children's section isn't good. I'd hold out for something anime, at least!

[cicadabug.livejournal.com]

I think it's a bad idea to judge the "value" of your own pain over this based on comparison to other people's situations. It is what it is to you, regardless of what's going on with anyone else.

I wear glasses too, and I've also been considering the laser eye procedure, with the same worry that they will find some reason why it is not possible. One of the reasons I haven't pursued it is that precise fear. So... I'm not you and I'm not living your life, but I have some understanding of what you're feeling. Plus, I've been there too with the fussy baby, and lack of sleep certainly doesn't help matters. Is there a way you can switch off baby-time with your wife such that each of you gets a chance for a few hours uninterrupted sleep? Or do you have a trusted friend or relative that can help out?

Well...

[seawasp]

... we've already drawn on the friends and relatives a lot in the last month or two. Can't swap off too much, as baby is nursing and that means I'm missing an essential component. Though I was able to get her to sleep for three hours (around the time I wrote that post) and let mommy sleep until after 9.

[hallerlake.livejournal.com]

I hear you, man - I had the same problem when I was evaluated for LASIK; they concluded that it wouldn't be safe because it would make my eyes too fragile.

I'm used to glasses, have been wearing them all my life. But would still be nice to be able to do without them. I hold out hope that new developments may make that more feasible in the years to come.

I wants Lasik, too

[zyxwvut.livejournal.com]

And I am desperately afraid to find out, even if we could scrounge the money, that they would tell me something similar.

Z

P.S.: "New baby"? I must have stopped reading LJ at the wrong time.

Re: I wants Lasik, too

[seawasp]

It's worth finding out, I assure you. And the initial exam is free, so why not just get it over with? If it's a "no", you don't need to scrounge the money, and if it's a "yes" you have something to look forward to.

As to the P.S. "Looks like I picked the wrong time to stop reading LJ!" Yeah, go back through my entries. The one on Vicky's birth isn't very far down.

Re: I wants Lasik, too

[noctyrnus.livejournal.com]

I am looking into it as well , I am sick of glasses , and using contacts dont thrill me at all

Re: I wants Lasik, too

[zyxwvut.livejournal.com]

Eventually, , I did as you said. %-}

Z

P.S.: Okay, now I can put your post in my Memories. Thanks for answering the summons with a link.