Snowfall signals the true Christmas beginning...

[seawasp]

And so it's time for me to post my traditional material for the year.

First, a look at the true origin of critical portions of the Christmas myth and their connection to Lord of the Rings.

Next, we should sing a couple of Christmas songs. The first of these is "Ring Their Bells"...


(to the tune of "Jingle Bells", of course)

Slashing through the Orcs
With a good two-handed blade
Over corpses we go
And through the gore we wade
Mace on helmet rings
Making bodies fly
What fun to sing our SLAYING song
And watch these suckers DIE!

CHORUS:
Oh, ring their bells with swords and spells
Don't let 'em get away!
We're brave and bold
For Fame and Gold
We'll make a lot today!
Oh, ring their bells with swords and spells
Don't let 'em get away!
We'll hack and slash and blast and trash
And blow these dudes away!

Crashing through the door
Into the dragon's nose
Our mage whips out a Cone of Cold
And out his fire goes!
Elven bowstrings sing
Making Balrogs fall
And our thief finds a secret door
Into the treasure hall!

(chorus)

Then appears the Lich
With his demon guard
Our wizard yawns and wishes
We'd run into something HARD.
He begins to cast
His 19th level spell
The damn Lich throws a Gate at us
And drops us all in Hell!

(chorus)

We appear in Hell
In front of Satan's throne
Our cleric waves us out the door
And takes him on alone!
Satan's legions don't
Want to let us go
Our Techno pulls a bazooka out
And NUKES 'em 'til they GLOW!

Oh, ring their bells with Prayers and Spells
Don't let 'em get away!
We're brave and bold and CRAZED, we're told
To think we'll live the day!
Oh, ring their bells with Swords and SHELLS
Don't let 'em get away!
We'll hack and slash and blast and trash
And blow these dudes away!

Yes, we'll hack and slash and blast and trash
And drag our loot away!

And now let's finish with the traditional favorite, Frosty the Snowman!

Frosty the Snowman
Was a dark and evil soul
With a leaden pipe and a jack-knife nose
And a heart as black as coal

Frosty the Snowman
Is a horror tale, they say
He rose from the snow
And the children know
That he came to life to slay

There must have been black magic
In that hockey mask he wore
For when we ripped it from his face
He melted to the floor.

Frosty the Snowman
Was a dark undead you see
And the children say
He'll be back one day
For revenge on you and me

Yes, the children say
He'll be back one day
For revenge on you and me!

And hoppy hippodays to all!

Comments

[kayshapero]

a) You, my friend are nuts.
b) ROFL!!!!!

Merry Happy to you, too!

[cynthia1960.livejournal.com]

You, sir, are a Bad Man.

[elainegrey.livejournal.com]

There's a chance i could catch this "Christmas" after all!

[seawasp]

"Chipmunks roasting on an open fire... Jack Frost ripping off your nose... though we could die, any time, many ways, Merry Christm -- what's that NOISE?"
--- the Stephen King Christmas song

[denelian.livejournal.com]

!!!


your "Jingle Bells" parody is almost exactly the same as ours!
clearly, great[ly influnced by D&D] minds think alike!

[seawasp]

Where did yours come from? I should note that mine was first written in, um, 1984-86, I think, and has been recited by people across the country long before I first posted it, so I have encountered people several times that thought that their friend "X" had written it, only to eventually find out that X had actually heard it from Y who had heard it at a convention where my friend Z had been singing it...

[denelian.livejournal.com]

ours was written about that time; the people i gamed with thru high school, the adults in the group said that the first time they sang it during caroling was in 87 or 88. the words aren't *exactly* the same - i'm guessing that Max heard it somewhere in 85 or 86, and tweaked it a bit :)
actually, he mostly "sanitized" it - he had two kids, the oldest is about 8 years younger than i am. the only real difference is that the profanity wasn't in "our" version, until 95, when Dennis and i changed the song to include profanity - making it almost exactly what your song is. which just lends credence to your theory that Max may have learned it from someone you know...

Northern Cal - that's where we all lived; but Max had moved to Redding in... 88? no, 89, because he lived in LA and sang it in LA his last XMas living down there. it's very probable :D

[tekalynn.livejournal.com]

Yay!

[qinshihuangdi.livejournal.com]

I think I'd thought up a good one a while back, but it was no longer seasonal for last years post. (Or was it that of the year before?) Now I cannot remember it, find my notes, or reconstruct it. Ah, well, have you seen Carol of the Old Ones on Youtube? There are a whole lot of Lovecraft inspired variant carols.